This Floating Excrement Was Way Too Meaningful! It's the TV Disappointments of the Year.
Looking back, we consider the television offerings of the past year, a selection of shows emerge not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular failures. From cringe-inducing sequels to confusingly poor docuseries, here are the programmes that left us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this love/hate spin-off? Burdened with dreadful scripts, painful character development (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series struggled to find its footing. For a moment, as the final series started, it looked like it had finally hit its stride. Then arrived an episode centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the creator announced this would be the final series. It concluded on a low point; the closeup of Miranda’s loo flooded with poo was just way too on-the-nose. Still, fans undeniably had a hoot picking apart every single “what on earth?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – danced around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t let out a little sob?
All’s Fair
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was almost the least of this show's issues. The recipient of a very rare zero star review, it was difficult to know where to start enumerating the flaws. The laughably wooden dialogue? The tedious veneration of wealth and consumption? The almost wilful parade of tropes? Acting so bad they felt almost malicious? Suffice it to say “all of the above” and never speak of this show again. However, a second season has been commissioned, so we’re probably going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Considering the legal troubles, abuse allegations and parental shortcomings, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not you’d really have known it from this multi-part docuseries which chuckled along at Sheen’s various episodes of reckless excess while struggling to tell us a single thing we didn’t already know. Instead, it felt as if this volatile personality was being pandered to, so any sympathy this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charming but dismissive narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we understood it was preposterous from the get-go: a drama about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of pure love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely reacted when his character died, and the other ended up hacking Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.
The Gangster Drama
Shady figures convening in deserted boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
In truth, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a bit old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t suffer the ignominy of having to indulge unconvincing accents. But there were many other issues. Primarily that it was just profoundly boring; a conflict over narcotics territory between various London picaresques which felt rather simplistic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the degree to which she provokes the ire of the nation’s performatively enraged commentators, it’s almost easy to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s various forays into twee lifestyle as deliberate statements. But then you view them and are forced to concede that in this case, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue animated; a poster for wine o’clock with delusions of grandeur; a parade of sleeping dogs, humming beehives, Hallmark platitudes and pointless crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by vast, mostly undeserved wealth. Ugh.
Victoria Beckham
There are obviously fascinating things to be discussed about regarding Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, self-image, self-acceptance. But for whatever reason, this three-part series chose not to explore them. Instead, the experience was like consuming a marketing brochure. She obviously has good reason to resent what she describes as her “stern” image. But unfortunately, she failed to do herself any favours with this cagey letdown of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next cultural phenomenon – except even camper, with a glamorous star as a deceased benefactor and a sharp-tongued personality managing her estate. What more could you ask for? As players competed, there was plenty of betrayal and arguing. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s even now too confusing to explain what precisely was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The show ended up reeking of a production that was straining desperately to live up to something way beyond it.
The Lena Dunham Romcom
How do you succeed a show that captured a generation? The pressure was enormous for this starry romcom about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who lands in London with a broken heart. The star seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the abundance of celebrity cameos involved felt icky.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the shrewd inclusion of talented emerging comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A recurring sketch was a one-note joke milked to a husk but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a familiar ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, meanwhile, simply provoked the thought that they should probably have stayed in there a while longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively presented the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an interesting drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this was not it. The material needed to be treated sensitively. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right voice, lumbering from strangely breezy, somewhat mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A complete mess? Absolutely.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We admire the lead actor … but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius since, a man so smart he’s on the brink of a discovery that could destabilise society? No! This international thriller about secret services spying on – and eliminating – intellectuals frankly got more absurd by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This uncritical portrait followed the online personality renowned for sexual exploits as she undertook her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we craved was way more interrogation of her true psyche, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who appeared to drag her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and zero interrogation of her infamy whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.